Anxietyish

I like the word (er... well made up word) "anxietyish" because I feel like when I need to use it, it describes more of how I'm feeling than "anxious." "Anxious" to me sounds more like, can't wait, with some excitement, and a wanting for an event to happen quickly. "Anxietyish" has more of a nervous, impending doom, type of a feeling for me. My brother and I have used this word for years, I like it, and I'm sticking to it.

So the last few days I've been feeling anxietyish. When I was about to have Jonah, it was PURE excitement, I was not nervous in the least. I had always wanted to be a mom, pictured being a mom, and couldn't wait for my day to be a mom to finally be here. And even after we took him home, I never found it to be a big deal... being a mom to one was a breeze to me. When Aphia was about to be born, it was a similar scenario. I always knew that I wanted more than one child, and the time had come to have TWO!

Well, now that I have more than one child, have felt the chaoticness of more than one child, have felt the pull from more than one child, needed to give attention to more than one child... I'm about to have a third. Really? REALLY?! Although I know that Isaiah was meant to be, I sometimes ask myself, "WHAT were we thinking?! Dear Lord!!" I'm having anxiety for many reasons, but I truly feel like this next few months is really, really going to kick me in the rear. This was even confirmed by a dear friend who tells me the truth in that it's going to be "hellatious." The thing is, I'm most positive that she's exactly right. Oh goody.

I'm going to have 3 kids, ages 4 and under (Jonah will be 5 just a couple weeks after Isaiah is born, but STILL!). I'll have to get three kids out the door when we need to go somewhere. We'll have three mouths to feed. Three bodies to clothe. Three children to rear and guide in the ways of the Lord. Three children to love on and discipline. Three kids to teach. Three kids, each with their own activities to fund and tranport to. SIX sets of tears to dry when they're sad or mad or upset. SIXTY fingers and toenails to clip, plus my own! Whew.

Here's the other thing. I had always wanted more than three kids. I always pictured having 4 or even 5. Pretty sure, we're going to stay at three.

Sometimes Jeremiah and I JOKE and say, "What were we thinking?! Is it too late to go back and change our minds?!" HAHA- JOKE. Here's the really, really sad thing that has crossed my mind in all of this. There are places where we could change our minds. I'm not up on the abortion laws to closely these days in regards to at what point they are not allowed anymore, but I know there are places where partial birth abortions are legal. Writing that makes me physically ill, to the point of wanting to vomit.

Psalm 139:13-14 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me

together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully

and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

We've decided not to even JOKE about that anymore. Isaiah has been created and formed with a purpose, with a plan. Our Father in Heaven will guide us as parents. He will watch over us as we raise our children in His Word and in His love. We will try to focus on what is eternal. Not on what is trivial.

Do I still feel anxietyish? Sure, every now and then. But my dependence is on the Lord and if I've learned something, it's that He always pulls through, and I'll be ok.