Creatures of Comfort

We Are Creatures of Comfort…        

It has been a long, cold, blustery, snowy, long, cold, long, cold, snowy winter. It was Thursday of last week and finally the snow was 90% melted away and glimmers of the hope of spring were shining in little corners of our neck of the woods. And then it started to snow, and snow, and snow, and snow.  11 inches of a disgusting white blanket of grossness and school was 2 hours late, then called off completely.  It was April 4^th.  Ugh.  What’s a girl to do?!  Last year I went off the deep end and decided to make a beach in my living room. I had to laugh when the Kirby Vacuum sales-dude (Sidenote off of an already tangented paragraph: I say “dude” because he really can be called neither a man nor a guy or anything of the like because he was all of maybe 17 years old trying to tell me that I should buy his $3000 vacuum. He might have only been 13 because when I offered him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich he was pretty much elated!)…  Back to the point here… I laughed when he said, “Wow, the people who lived here before you must have had a sandbox in the living room!”  “No, that was us, last winter!” is what I got to reply with.  This year, there was no beach living room, despite Isaiah’s best efforts to convince me.      

 

Anywho, just as quickly as those 11 inches of gross whiteness came, they left, by Sunday at noon, it was 95% gone again and the temps were reaching the mid 60’s.  Halleluia!  Praise the Lord God Almighty!  Could it be???  Could we be safe to put away *most* of our winter gear?  It’s an exciting time ‘round these parts when you get to do that folks! 

 

And so the Kruger family got home from church and the children were directed to get their play clothes and tennis shoes on and head outside on what was a glorious day!  To my surprise, the request by Jeremiah and I of our cherubs was met by groans and moans of not wanting to go outside.  What?!  Are you JOKING?!  We have been cooped up for what seems like 8,496 days and you want to STAY INSIDE?!  This train has been wildly derailed and I’m not quite sure of what to do.  Jeremiah replied with, “Ok, you can stay inside, but you guys all have to take naps. Outside or naps. Those are your two choices.” So begrudgingly they went outside. 

 

What, of course, followed were 3 children playing outside for hours and hours and hours and NOT wanting to come inside at the end of the day.  They rode bikes, played with friends, climbed trees, filled up the kiddie-pool to have a bike wash, laughed, yelled, ran and breathed in the FRESH AIR!  They were blissfully wiped out at the end of the day. 

 

So what in the world was going on when they said that they didn’t want to go outside and play? What was up with that?  I realized that we as humanity, so often get caught in what we think is comfortable.  We get caught in the habit or the cycle of doing something over and over and over and it can be a scary thing to pull ourselves out of it and do something different.  My kids had been stuck inside for months and it was like they didn’t know what they’d do with themselves outside.  Here was this GORGEOUS day outside, but the “comfort” of staying inside was pulling at them.  I’m sure that running through Jonah’s complete analytical mind were questions like, “Will I be warm enough?” “Will there be something to play with?” “Will there be someone to play with?” “What if I get bored?” “What if I can’t remember how to ride my bike or I can’t run as fast as I could last summer?”  Going back to what seems “comfortable” always pulls at us.  To step out and experience something better can be scary to some people.  Even when we KNOW that the new thing WILL be better, we can still tend to be hesitant and wary of it.  So weird we are… So weird.  

 

I realized that it’s like that with sin too.  We get caught in it.  Caught in the familiarity of it being around us.  Most of us know that the word “sin” doesn’t have a good connotation.  It’s not something that most of us strive for… at least I HOPE NOT!  But we still wade in its swamp, afraid to step out of it and experience the white sands, blue waters, and amazing sound of crashing waves in the ocean! 

 

We all struggle and get caught in sin.  We get caught in gossiping, we get caught in anger and tempers, we get caught in self-medicating with many different substances and vices, we get caught in comparison, we get caught in judgmental-ness, we get caught in lying (even those little white ones!), we get caught in foul-mouth-language, we get caught in unforgiveness, and we get caught in putting almost everything and everyone before God.  These things are so easy to step into and so. very. difficult. to. step. out. of.  UGH.

 

But just as my kids listened to Jeremiah and stepped outside in the beautiful sunshine, we too can listen to God’s direction, leading us to something that is better.  He says to us, “Go and enjoy the good life!” and we reply with a whiney, “Noooooo, I just want to sit here in my comfy little swamp. I’ve gotten used to the smell and I know the temperature of the water.” And he says back to us, “Ok, you can stay here in this junk and I promise you, you won’t like it, or you can go and enjoy the good life. You choose.”  I want to heed the example of my kids who listened to their dad yesterday, who went out and thoroughly enjoyed the good life!  And I’m telling you, it was goooood!  They were so busy playing and having fun that I didn’t even want to bother them with dinner, so I told them that if they were hungry they could run inside and grab something and go back out. They noshed on Cheetos and bananas and granola bars and strawberry applesauce and Easter egg nest cookies and juice boxes.  I’m thinking that to a kid- THAT is the good life!  Who am I kidding?  To ME that’s the good life!  And I’m choosing to trust the Lord when He gives me a new direction to go.  Just as Jeremiah and I wanted what was best for our children and we KNEW what was best for our children, the Lord wants what is best for us and He KNOWS what is best for us.  Thanks for havin’ my back Lord, you’re pretty rad.       

What Is It About That Place?

The other day I was craving Ethiopia.  Yep, if one can crave a country, which I'm sure is entirely possible, I was craving Ethiopia. As I thought about this and all that was behind it, a lot of questions started swirling in my head.

Why do I love Ethiopia so much? Prior to my trip there, I craved being on a tropical beach or on a cruise ship. I craved a fancy dinner while on vacation with the boy. I craved crystal blue waters of the beautiful ocean, just staring at them and watching the waves roll in. I craved seeing palm trees with soft sand in my toes.

So what was it that I was craving about Ethiopia?  Was it the desertish land that lacks water in the "non-raining" months? Was it the poverty that you see in the begging woman along the road? Was it The desperation in a mother's eyes to be able to feed her children? Was it the wondering and questioning in the teens we met with, who wondered if their future would be stable? Was it driving on the roads, wondering if we'd get T-boned at any point in time or hit in a head on collision?

Or was it the beauty in the landscape? The trees that do grow there and their uniqueness? Was it seeing the water from the faucets connected to the well that gives the kids clean water to drink and wash with? Was it the smile and sparkle on the faces of the Ethiopian people when they see a friend? Was it the joy in their voices when they sing? Was it the determination to work and provide? Was it the satisfiedness with the simple things? Was it the gratefulness for small things? Was it the perfect climate? Was it the rolling hills and mountains? Was it the beauty in their faces? Was it the love of the children? Was it our team that I went there with?

Yes. Yes to all of these things. The good and seemingly bad. I craved it all. I CRAVE it all. But mostly I crave the people. For in the eyes of the people I saw the LORD shining through. In a country that is surrounded by extreme unrest, I saw the joy of the LORD in them. I saw a nation who has so little, filled with so much. I saw their pride in who they are. I crave it all, because when I was there I saw and felt the power of God in all that we did, in all that we saw, in all that we experienced.

Which brings me to a whole new level. Am I craving Ethiopia? Not really... I'm craving the LORD. And He is the only thing that satisfies. In Isaiah 58 it says, "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Would going to Ethiopia quench my thirst? Maybe, yes, absolutely, for a bit. But will going to the LORD quench it always?  Yes, always. He will ALWAYS satisfy, his word tells us that his waters never fail.  HIS waters never fail.  :) 
 

Their Voices

I can hear their voices in song, greeting us to their school as our bus slowly pulled into Trees of Glory on the dry, crunching gravel. Anticipation of all sorts filled my mind and heart. Will they like us? Will they want to talk with us? What will I say? How will I communicate? I have no idea what they were saying while they were singing, but I could hear them singing. 
I stuck my head out of the bus window so I could see them and immediately my eyes filled with tears. Huge smiles were plastered to their faces as they “yell sang” for us. We were finally here. We were at Trees of Glory, the first of the two care points we had traveled hours and hours to visit. We were here to love, to teach, to listen, to smile, to share, to hug, to kiss, to hold hands, to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I hear their voices sing.
 

Later, as we taught in the classrooms, I can hear their voices talk of their troubles when I asked the question, “What problems and issues do you have here in this life?” Soft, quiet voices muttering answers to themselves. Knowing full well that they have a multitude of troubles, I waited for the first hand to rise to give an answer. 

“When my dad died.” My mind whirled at this answer, knowing that it would come, but unable to be prepared for it nonetheless. 

“Car accidents.” Yes, that is a real and true fear of the children attending Kind Hearts School, children who live just outside a city populated by 5 million people; a city that has zero traffic laws. 

“Being attacked by animals at night.” What a horrible thing for a child to worry about. 

“Economy problems.” What 8 year old has to worry about such a thing?! 

“Sickness.” Of course, which child has not had to deal with some sort of major illness in themselves or a close family member. I can hear their voices talk of their troubles. 




I can hear their voices as we ask our class if they would sing a song for us at the end of a long teaching day. Their voices, somewhat quiet at first, gradually growing louder and louder as they gained confidence and momentum. Seeing our faces filled with joy and excitement, they sang, oh did they sing! 

Their teacher, one of our translators, started pulling children from the desks to come and join in the song and dance at the front of the room. The children sang loud and danced with such passion and happiness. I didn’t know what they were saying, but I danced along with them. Later I was told that it was a song about how good the Lord is. The way they sang and danced held both chaos and energy and yet it was organized and peaceful all at the same time. They sang and beat drums and smiled and held hands and we all danced together. I can hear their voices sing out loud. 

And after ten days with these kids, I can hear their voices as they said “goooodbye!” The time had come to leave this place that I had quickly fallen in love with. 

I had fallen in love with the rolling hills off in the distance. I had fallen in love with the sight of the trees native to Africa . 

I had fallen in love with the paint colors on the buildings. I had fallen in love with the innovation and determination that the staff at TOG has to deeply love and care for the “orphan and the widow.” 

I had fallen in love with the beautiful faces of the 200 children whom we were privileged to meet, to love, to attend to.

I had fallen in love with seeing just how huge our world is, but just how intimate the Father’s love is for each and every one of His children. 

I had fallen in love and now my heart was breaking as we, for the last time on our trip, drove away on that dry, crunching gravel. I can hear their voices say “Goodbye…” 

Today...

Today…

Today I was slotted to wedding dress shop with my sister.

Today my sister is sick and we did not wedding dress shop.

Today I took Phia on a mommy/daughter date to get our nails done and then went shopping.  We went real shopping, like not at a thrift store or a quick run through Target.  This is a first for us.  It was so fun!  We hit up Old Navy, Colombia, Mrs. Field’s and Bath and Body Works- good times for us girls.

Today was a great day for a great 3 mile walk with a great BFF. 

Today I spent a good amount of time on Pinterest which hasn’t happened in a long time.

Today I want to start a thousand projects around the house (probably because of the time spent on pinterest), but cannot guarantee that I will finish any of them, so I will start none. 

Today I am thinking about someone close to me who had a miscarriage. 

Today I am thinking about the many moms I know who have lost little ones, whether in utero or after. 

Today my heart is so sad for them.

Today I went to the chiropractor.

Today I overheard to people at the chiropractor talking about the scoliosis they had and how it is being corrected.

Today I had hope, seeing as the 12 degree curvature I thought I had, is actually a 39 degree curvature.  Hmm. Who knew?!

Today I heard of a bunch of people taking down their Christmas tree.

Today I thought, “I could NEVER take down my tree before January,” and I never will.

Today I looked at my “Ethiopia clock” (the one that sits just above my oven clock and has Ethiopian time on it from when I was there, so that JJ & kids would know what time it was for Mom- props to JJ on that idea! And P.S. it’s not ever coming down) and wondered what my Roza was doing. 

Today my kids have been really good, playing in and outside. 

Today JJ is sick and I really wish I had more innate compassion for him when he is sick. 

Today I am wondering questions like, “Why did I get to be born after Christ was born and died and didn’t live in the time of ‘the law’?”  “Why was I born in the U.S.A. and not in some war torn or very impoverished country?”  “Why do I get to experience things like pedicures and shopping with my daughter?” “How can I be more conscious of others who don’t ever get the luxury of these things?”  “What is next for me in this journey?” 

Today has been a fantastic Saturday.

You know you've been in Ethiopia for a long time when...

1. It doesn’t surprise you to see a horse standing on the median in the middle of the road all by itself.
2. You don’t gasp or scream when you come within a ½ inch from hitting another vehicle (or even just nick their mirror with yours).
3. You don’t gasp or scream when you come within a ½ inch or less from hitting a person walking across the road or maybe even bump into them.
4. The word “ahmesugenalew” rolls off your tongue like it ain’t no thang. 
5. You question your coffee if it isn’t as black as the tunnels of the churches of Lalibela. 
6. When someone says something to you, you raise your eyebrows and give a little inhale as your response. 
7. You are a pro at squatting over a hole in a cement slab to do your duty. 
8. You can “Double Double, This This” with the best of ‘em at Kind Hearts!
9. You haggle with the shop owner over the price of a necklace- 30 birr vs. 40 birr and win!
10. You know that the goats on the side of the road with a hot pink stripe on them are ready for market.
11. You hardly realize that the kids playing with your arm hair have been doing so for the last 30 minutes.
12. Your table mate at dinner (MMM) says he wants to sponsor the waitress because she’s cute.
13. You immediately sanitize your hands after handling money.
14. You start saying, “sprechen Sie Deutch?” so the peddlers will stop trying to sell you stuff. 
15. You see a goat being slaughtered and instead of being grossed out, you’re excited that the kids get to eat such an amazing meal. 
16. The van you’re riding in is frequently driving head on with another vehicle, but you never crash.
17. After you’re done doing your duty, without giving it a second thought, you throw away your toilet paper in the trash can instead of flushing it because “that’s just how it is with Ethiopian plumbing.”
18. You realize when you are home that some of these things, crazy as they are, are very near and dear to your heart and you wouldn't exchange the experience for anything! 

Sweet Baby Girl

Fingers sit still.  Mind whirling.  Heart breaking.  Body frozen.  Emotions paralyzed.  Eyes red.  Nose running.  Prayers spoken.  Prayers screamed.  Prayers pleading.  Prayers whispered.  Prayers uttered.  Prayers silent.  Prayers desperate for the Lord.  

 

Last Saturday I went to an engagement party for a long-time friend.  It was a family party, so we were all invited, but my brood could not come and I went alone.  Another sweet friend also came sans hubby because he was working, but she was with her two daughters, ages 3 and 1.  When she came in I put out my hands to the one year old so Mama could run back to the car for a few things.  Handing her over, she said, “She’ll probably cry, but will be fine when I’m out of sight.”  I smiled at this sweet girl in my arms and she didn’t utter a peep. She looked at me and we went to sit down and play.  She was enthralled with the other kids at the party and the teeny puppy that was also in attendance.  She sat with me for about 20 minutes, watching and smiling; soaking it all in.  Little did I know, this would be the last time this sweet face would smile at me.  Little did I know, this would be the last time that I would hold her.  Little did I know that the original heartache I felt at not having my own children with me was a blessing in that I was able to sit with this sweet one, stroking her hair, playing with the soft curls, playing with the puppy, laughing at what the other kids were doing because this would be the last time I would do those things with her.

Sweet little Hannah passed away on Wednesday morning.  Her Mama went into her room and found her unresponsive.  Her Daddy did CPR on her right away and they called 911, but it was too late.  She had had pneumonia a couple weeks ago, had been on the upswing, but then got sick again Tuesday night. She slipped from this world into Heaven peacefully in her sleep around midnight, the medical examiner said. 

I raced to the hospital to be with my friend and what I watched was one of the most difficult, heart wrenching things I’ve ever, ever seen.  In the ER, Hannah laid in her mama’s arms while the nurses & social workers painted and inked little Hannah’s hands for handprints.  Her Daddy sat next to them holding her Mama.  It was very quiet.  I watched my dear friend take a washcloth and wipe the paint from Hannah’s precious little hand. The sight of this was almost enough to completely break me.  This little hand that should be having the finger paints washed from it. This hand that should be having the sand from the beach washed from it.  This hand that should be having the play-doh washed from it.  This hand that should be having the brownies washed from it.  This hand that should be having the makeup that she was trying to put on her-big-girl-self washed from it.  Her mama kissed her hand and laid it down, having washed it for the last time.  Her mama whispered sweet words to her and they continued to love her.

 

These have been some of the most horrid and awful days that I can recount.  I can barely complete a thought in my head.  This hurts so deeply, down in the depths of my heart, that I find it almost impossible to breathe at times.  If my heart feels this way, I can’t even imagine what my dear friend’s feels like. 

 

No matter who we are, we find ourselves asking the question “Why?”  There is no good answer to the question “Why? Why God? Why?”  The only answer is, “I don’t know,” and that’s ok.  We want answers because we think it will make us feel better, but it really won’t.  There is no way we can ever feel better about the loss of a dear, sweet babe.  The only way that we will ever again see light, is through the light of Christ.  Our Heavenly Father is the source of comfort from pain.  The source of peace from calamity.  The source of knowledge during uncertainty.  The source of guidance in the dark.  The source of joy from the despair.  But right now pain, calamity, uncertainty, darkness and despair are what are present at the forefront of our sight.  Right now it’s almost impossible to see beyond those things.  And that’s ok.  It’s ok to live in that world right now. 

 

But here’s the thing.  It won’t be like this forever.  There is hope in Jesus Christ.  Jesus himself said, “I have told you these things, so that IN ME you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  (John 16:33)  In Jesus we can find peace.  Without Him, the search for peace will be a losing battle.  My prayers for my friends, for our families, and for all of us is that we will seek the face of Jesus in this time.  As a parent, when something is going on and I want to get the attention of my child and when I need them to focus on me in a time of unsettledness I say to them, “Look at Mommy.  Look at my eyes.”  When they look at my eyes and keep focused on my eyes, they are able to listen in an attentive way so that what I’m saying will sink in.  When they keep their eyes on me, together we find calm amidst the chaos.  This is just as it is with sweet Jesus.  He says to us in this dark hour, “Look at me.  Look at my eyes.”  We need look nowhere else but the eyes of Christ.  And in the eyes of Christ, we will one day find true peace again. 

Why?

Why are you going?

This question has been posed of me, in reference to my upcoming mission trip to Ethiopia, a few times in the past couple weeks.  This question, “Why are you going?” is a very different question than, “What are you going there to do?”  While I surely know what our team is going there to do and what I am specifically going to do, the big question of WHY behind the trip is still a bit of a mystery to me. 

Let’s take a step back and look at the big picture here kids.

I am the wife to one husband, a mother to three children, an Elementary Ministry Director to a couple hundred children, and a housekeeper to one house among all the other hats I get to put on in a given day.  In the midst of my life and especially in my head is normally pandemonium.  I’ve worked VERY hard to bring structure, balance, prioritizing and calmness into our home this fall.  That, in and of itself, brings stress!  Trying to bring peace, brings stress!  Giminy Crickets! How twisted is that?!  But I’m sure several of you are laughing at me at this point because of one true fact.  I. CANNOT. BRING. PEACE. Just not attainable.  True peace can only be given by the Lord.  And so in the midst of this revamping of our family life this year there have been many successes and many failures.  Oh boy… I’m really getting off on a tangent here and this is not going in the direction I was originally thinking.  Let’s get back on track, maybe I’ll come back to those thoughts later.  You’re probably thinking, what kind of a writer are you?!  Well, a jumpy one I guess!

On track, READY! GO!  Ok, so I wear a lot of hats.  This is true.  Now I’m going to add “missionary” (or maybe we should say, “Global Project Partner” to be politically correct here) to that pile?  Really Lord?  I know that, “Really Lord?!  Africa?!” is a question that was asked by some people close to me and I know that it’s because they love me and my family.  Back to that whole, wife, mother, job, home thing…  Shouldn’t I just stay put and manage what I have?  Shouldn’t I be focusing on my own children, rather than taking a 15 hour flight to focus on other children?  Shouldn’t I be creating lessons for the Sunday School kids at my home church (for my job!), rather than creating lessons for kids in Africa?  Shouldn’t I be putting time and effort into my marriage with my best friend rather than building relationships with others half way around the globe?  Shouldn’t I?  Shouldn’t I?

Maybe.  Maybe I should be.  But that maybe is only what the world thinks.  This journey across the globe has been nothing but peaceful.  As I told my mother-in-law about going, “I can’t even say this feels right. It IS right.”  I know, that beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has called me to do this, has called me to GO.  I may not know why He has called me to do this, but I know He has and that’s all I need to know for now.  God is sovereign, His timing is impeccable, His plan is perfect and His love & mercy are immeasurable.  Those are great things and I’m going to cling to those truths.