When God Doesn't Get the Memo

She pulled me aside and said, "I'm pregnant."  Wide-eyed, I rejoiced with her! This was a surprise and wasn't an expected pregnancy, the other three hadn't come as easily.  She seemed to have an apprehension right off the bat.  Joyful and in awe of God's work, yes she was, but an uneasiness that I couldn't place my finger on. 

A couple weeks later, I placed my finger.  The doctors noticed some abnormalities on the ultrasound and after a few days/weeks of testing, it was determined that their baby girl would have Downs Syndrome.  They embraced this challenge as a blessing and proceeded forward with careful, watchful eyes of the doctors.  Each week went by and we prayed fervently for this baby girl that would join us in February.  I prayed for perfect health for the baby, leaving whatever that looked like, up to God.  But I felt Him say to me to pray for no Downs.  So I proceeded, awkwardly, because I knew that they were embracing this and were ok with it.  I wondered if they'd be upset with me for praying this, but like I said, I believe that God wanted this prayer from me and I have to follow Him first.  I prayed that she would be the picture of health and wellness. 

On the 15th of February she made her debut into our world!  The first night was good, but things slowly slipped downward.  She was very jaundiced, but that issue paled in comparison to being diagnosed with a condition called Transient Abnormal Myelopoiesis. It is only present in some babies with Down Syndrome. It mimics leukemia and can require some of the same treatment.  My mind reeled!  My heart sank!  Leukemia?!  In a 1 day old, 5 pound baby?  How is this even possible?  As if the road wasn't rocky enough with the challenges of Downs Syndrome.  Now chemotherapy would be administered to this teeny baby... I shuddered at the thought. 

I was mad.  I was angry.  I was confused.  I felt neglected.  I felt like my prayers did nothing.  I felt desperate for my friends and their family.  I had prayed for perfect health and felt like God gave her the complete antithesis of health.  Really God?  REALLY?!  Were you listening to me AT ALL? 

I needed to pull up the bootstraps and get over myself.  I needed to pray for these new developments.  One problem.  I was still mad at Him.  I wasn't really on... how shall we say it... speaking terms with the Man Upstairs.  It's like when husband & wife are in a fight.  You know that you need to talk and communicate the issues, but you just need time.  Sometimes you look at the other, knowing that you need to talk it through, but just can't, just not yet.  It was like that.  I would start to pray and just couldn't.  I'd give an irritated sigh and walk away from the conversation, arms folded and pouty faced. 

Exasperated, I said "Ok Lord.  I just need a verse to give to my friend.  I'm going to flip open this book, 'Streams in the Dessert'."  The verse for that date was Mark 11:24, "Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."  Well if that isn't just a nice little mixture of salt and sand in the wound I don't know what is!!!  OUCH.  I felt like I got punched in the gut. Or hit by a Mac truck.  Or slapped across the face by Barney or Marshall on "How I Met Your Mother." Or chopped off at the knees.  Ok, I think you get the picture.  It stung.  Those weren't the words of comfort I was looking for.  Madder than a wet hen, I walked away from the book and said, "That wasn't it Lord, try again."  Thankfully, He obliged.

"Psalm 23," He said.  "Really Lord," I said, "That's pretty generic, everyone uses that verse, it doesn't feel very special."  (Oh my arrogance... God's Word... Not special?  Man am I a jerk)  But it kept coming back to me.  Then I received an email from a friend about this situation and she said, "I just have kept coming back to the mindset that God's character does not change, regardless of the circumstances that He allows to happen. I have been studying the 23rd Psalm and have been so amazed at the idea that we will walk through the darkest valley, but we have nothing to fear, for God is with us. He may not spare us the trip through that valley, but will be our rod and staff, there to comfort us, protect us and reassure us of His presence!  God is exceedingly generous and faithful, even when we are not so inclined!" 

Ok.  Message received.  10-4 Good Buddy.  I remembered a video I had recorded of Aphia last year and thought, "Maybe the Word of God, spoken by a [then] 4 year old are the Words we need to hear."  I listened to this and cried. God's Word is true. God's Word is right.  God's Word is alive.
 

I went back to that verse in Mark that I had read earlier.  I read the rest of the devotional, and it talked about a little boy knowing that his grandma would come through on a promise she made to him. Even while the mother was in doubt of it happening, the grandma was working it out on her own.  The promise came, just as she had said it would, not exactly how the mom and boy had expected, but better.  She came through and the boy was victorious in his faithfulness to grandma.  And so it is with God.  He's working it out, while we are waiting.  It doesn't always go as we expect.  It doesn't always go as we want.  He doesn't promise that we won't walk through the valley (of the shadow of death nonetheless!!).  But He does promise that He will be with us to comfort us and bring us through the valley. 

Through it all He reminded me that He is always there.  He's always listening to me, but just as a good parent, he doesn't always give me what I want.  I can be a whiney, stomping foot, bratty little girl, and He just shrugs and says, "Have your pity party, you know that my promises never fail.  You know that I'm always here.  You know that I'm waiting for you to come on back and be real with me.  I'm not worried about your stubbornness and selfishness, you're my daughter and I'm waiting here with open arms for when you're ready." 

I listened to the words of a Chris Tomlin song as it washed over me in the car on a snowy, windy, dark night,

"Water you turned into wine, opened the eyes of the blind, there's no one like you, none like You!
Into the darkness you shine, out of the ashes we rise, there's no one like you none like You!
Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what could stand agains?.
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?
What could stand against?"

 

I felt an unbelievable honor and priviledge to be a child of the most powerful God. A God that is SO big, Master of the Universe, and yet He stands next to me, waiting for me and wanting me to fall into His strong arms so that I don't have to pretend to be strong anymore.