Wisdom and Knowledge

I don't know if there has been anything that has ever made me feel more insecure, lacking, self-non-confident, unsure, and just plain dumb as being a mom. I'd heard it said all the time before kids, "You just don't understand until you have kids of your own." I was truly very arrogant before having kids (and even a little while into having them too) thinking that I'd have all the answers and I understood the overwhelming responsibility of having children. Wrong I was, oh how very wrong I was.





Even as I only had one child it hadn't really hit me. I was fine focusing my energy on him. Teaching him scripture, teaching him manners, saying prayers with him, teaching him how to build towers and recognize letters/colors/shapes, even memorize state capitols (What?! For what?!) I was good, I'll admit it, I was gooooood. Had I only had one child I would have won for Best Parent (until he got to be a teenager and all that would probably come to a screeching halt, lest my arrogance get ahold of me again!).





Then there were three. THREE children. I had no idea the ways in which I would be pulled. I had no idea that it wouldn't just happen that the 4 of us wouldn't be able to just sit down and all do our little projects together with no squabbling, screaming, whining, needing help, tantrums, messes, etc.





Oh boy, nothing, nothing, nothing has humbled me like being a mom. Nothing.





A couple months ago our Pastor said how he reads through the book of Proverbs every month, because there are 31 chapters. Hmm. Novel idea. I didn't think about it again until during our Small Group someone brought that up. I thought to myself, "Hmmm, I'll have to start that next month of the 1st. Er, wait, I guess I could just jump in on today's date- doi." So I did. I've been reading through Proverbs for two months. Have I read everyday? Unfortunately no. Have a given it a good shot? I'd say a decent one? A good shot would be at least reading quickly through the chapter for the day. A fabulous shot would be actually thinking about the chapter. I run the spectrum of some days I read, think about it, pray about it and comprehend it. Some days I just read it and maybe ponder it later in the day. Other days, I read nothing.





Some of the ones I have hit talk endlessly about Wisdom and Knowledge. These ones have hit me hard being a mom and a wife. I want to have wisdom and knowledge in the situations I handle with my family. This is something that I've started to fervently pray for and ask for. I've been stopping myself before reacting, asking for wisdom and knowledge before I proceed. The situation is always less dramatic when I take a lil breather.





Taking a step back is hard for me. When it comes to fight or flight, I'm a fighter. I generally jump in immediately, ready for battle. Sidenote: this tends to be a little problem on occasion with Jeremiah and I as he is definitely Mr. Flight. I'm ready to tackle the problems and issues with him and he'd rather forget that they exist. I almost always take this personally, thinking that he does not want to fight for me. I just have to remember how he is and how to gently, quietly and peacefully find a middle ground of not jumping at the problem, but not ignoring it.





Anywho, like I said stepping back does NOT come naturally to me. But Proverbs has been a gentle reminder of needing to do just that. Wisdom is thinking through a situation. Knowledge is what I have to tap into during the thought process.

In today's chapter, Proverbs 9, it says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Oh how beautiful this is! It is SO much bigger and broader than me. I love how BIG God is! And how intricately small he can be too. What an amazing picture.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowlege him and he will make your paths straight." This was the first Bible verse I ever learned. I was in 6th grade. It was during VBS. It was put into a song and at the time I had no idea that it was a Bible verse. This has been the first verse that I have taught my children- well the older two at least.

I can use my wisdom and knowledge until my ears bleed and I will still inevitably fail. But if I truly trust in the Lord with all my heart my paths will be straight. I know that I will fail. I know that I will never even be close to perfect. I know I will mess up. I can only pray that my children will have grace and mercy for me as their mom. I can only pray that they will be refined by my mistakes. I can only pray that they will love the Lord more fervently than me and that their paths will be straighter than mine. I can pray. And that's what I'll continue to do.